Breakdown

This is a long one. Grab a tissue and get comfy.

I already had my first breakdown, and it happened last night, at CHURCH!!! Here’s how I arrived to this so quickly.

I started considering adopting a little over a month ago. I knew it would be hard to tell all our family what we were planning and how we were feeling. So I created this blog, a place where I could fully explain and maybe even calm some fears and hesitation. And it worked, for some. Others emailed, texted, and called to see if I was alright!?!? But one of the people I love the most didn’t do any of the above so I began to worry.

I had talked about this before with my mom. I called a few weeks ago and said, “So, I’m adopting.” That’s as far as I got before my mom said, “oh, ok, how’s Sawyer?” And we left it that. I knew once she truly knew what I was feeling (AKA, read my blog), she would jump on board and be my biggest supporter. But it wasn’t happening fast enough, so I worried.

I sent a simple text out to both my mom and sister saying, “Did you read my blog?” My sister said, “Yes!” My mom did not respond, so I worried some more. I asked my sis if my mom had read it and she said, “I don’t think so. I told her about it and she said ‘mhmm.’”

Then my heart just broke. It was full of worry.

My son and I went to church last night without my better half because he was sick. My heart felt so full I knew I wouldn’t make it very long before a tear came down my cheek. I gave a prayer request for my family and how they were feeling about my adoption and when I was done I felt like I had said, “we’re adopting so tuff!” Then I was embarrassed I had said anything at all and that lonely tear did not come. Instead, I started sobbing, making me feel even more embarrassed. After church, friends would come and give me a hug and any crying I had calmed down came flowing out again. I wanted to hide under a rock! I worried ladies were thinking “That poor thing”, and men “What is wrong with her?!?!” To top it all off, my son was vividly showing why most are afraid of two-year olds. We finally made it home and my husband clearly pointed out that I was probably worried over nothing!

So, I say all that to say, “Hello, my name is Maria, and I’m addicted to Worry (that and crying).” Ok, not addicted but it is a sin and I try to keep it under control with God’s grace, but it sometimes manages to seep out. Please pray for that. I said this was my first breakdown and I’m praying for as few as possible along this journey.

Well, I do have some good news. As usual I was worried over nothing. Here’s the email I received from my mom today:

“Wow! I just checked your blog and can’t stop crying……… I guess everything is a little overwhelming, (I can imagine how you felt every time you wrote a word in those pages).  Somehow I feel I misunderstood what was going on and I’m sorry! You are my precious little baby and I hope you know that! I love you so very much and I pray God keeps leading your steps and like you said gives you the desires of your heart. Anything you need please let us know. Love, Mami”

I have the best mom in the world and the greatest God in the universe. I think I let it get to me because she is amazing, but in the end it could have been avoided! I apologize for the emotional outburst last night, and share this very personal story to show you that we serve a mighty God who truly answers prayer. I am also showing you that I am a simple sinner, living by grace, trying my hardest to take the next right step.

 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34 NKJV

 “But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’” Psalm 31:14 NKJV